I know part of why I can't is because I'm holding myself back from doing those stuff. And I hold back about how I really feel about him in front of people because even those who approves keep wanting me to not invest too much and "to wait and see how things go" and screw that, it's not a real relationship if there's no real investment and involvement from both parties. Plus, I have affection issues and I don't like to admit how I feel about the people I care about. Even until now I have problems admitting, to myself (damn, how screwed up am I?), how I feel about him because it's scary; it scares me, the way I feel about him, and admitting to anyone at all is like taking away my last defenses and go, "Here, here's all of me. Take my thumpy, bleeding heart and do with it what you will because it doesn't seem to be mine anymore." It's just being every kind of vulnerable and I hate being that way. I dislike not having any barriers to keep even just a sliver of myself safe and unhurt because, damn, I have parental issues and Past Relationship issues and I don't want to be put in that spot again where anyone can go, "Hey, I'll take this absolute power you've given me and turn it against you."

But I digress.

The thing is, as much as it annoys me to see couples being outwardly affectionate and braggy about their relationship and their significant other, I want to be able to have the freedom to do all that. I want to be able to be affectionate with him in front of people without the constant worry that they will, and are going to, judge us. I want to brag about how awesome he is, because disregarding his faults, which everyone is bound to have some of their own, he is awesome and and. I think I'm losing focus here.

I guess I just find it unfair that people can freely show how they feel while there's this unspoken rule, just for me, that I'm not allowed to do the same, and that people have the freedom to fall in and out of love however they like while I'm not even allowed to have the chance to see if this relationship can be serious enough to make it. Yes, that's all it is. The unjust of my world.

Hang ups, I haz dem.

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以上、Chii です。

I feel like Merlin now. Having to make do with the things I can't change, while my elder, who, even though knows about my situation and knows that things needed to change, instead of helping or encouraging me to actively challenge things and fight for a change, is telling me to lie low and wait. Wait for, not a chance to start a change, but for the eventual changing of times. To not contest for what is right and to make them see the wrong of their ways, but to wait for when they finally have no say to what I say or do and I can leave while they continue on the way they've always had.

What's the point if they don't get it? How long do I have to wait? A year? Three? Five? Ten? How do I know I won't be driven mad while I wait for my chance to finally leave and cut my ties for good?

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以上、Chii です。

( To the bane of my existence: )

VIDEO MONDAY 22

I've been watching this teaser clip from Easy A since last week and I can't stop watching it and it's the one small thing that cheers me up each day and I think I'll be watching this at least 10 times tonight to feel remotely cheered up. I'm also kinda wanting to watch this movie although I stopped watching chick flicks in cinemas. Hmm. We shall see.

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以上、Chii です。

Anyway. I can't blog like this—without a clear mind and a better sense of objectivity, where I might end up regretting what I shared online when I read my old entries again in the next few days or weeks.

Meanwhile, here's something cheerful.

VIDEO MONDAY 19

Oh, the things we don't realise until someone points it out.

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以上、Chii です。

Am going to rant again. F-list, if you're bored, just ignore me.

( Okay. School-related stuff first )

( Then it was my parents. Who suck like a black hole of SUCK )

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以上、Chii です。

I really didn't think about it/wasn't planning to blog anything about it, but since you mentioned it...

Damn, that escalator-and-lift system at Orchard Central is super confusing! D:

(Yeah, sitting in the corner at the back of the bus is so 'secondary school'-ish. But trying to sync common songs on our MP3 players? HAHA. We're so easily amused :D)

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以上、Chii です。

I don't understand why parents are so insistent to waive the payment for additional birthday party guests when we're unable to do so; that they think we can just let the extra kids enter without letting "management" know (yes, you think it's simple, but we don't answer to you, we answer to The Boss); why they don't want the guests' siblings to come along at an additional charge because they've exceeded the maximum number of party guests allowed; why they will think of every reason to avoid paying that extra bit of money to give the kids a good time; why they are so stingy about spending a bit more money for the kids to be happy for one afternoon; why they are so stingy about giving other people an enjoyable day; why middle-income Singaporeans like to act rich but are the most difficult people when it comes to parting with even a cent of their money.

Dear Susan, you have no idea how many times, and in how many ways, you have been murdered in my mind in that 15-20 minutes of conversation during which you tried to make my working life difficult and tried to destroy my amicable work-relationship with The Boss. I am only glad that I am not working today so I don't need to see your face and be anywhere near you while your kid's birthday party was being held. I'd probably curse you a hundred times over every time I remember how you looked like if I knew how you looked like.

Anyway, that was already two days ago (Friday evening), so I'll probably just take it as another crazy customer that I always seem to have the bad luck of handling and forget about her in a week (of constant cursing).

So. Saturday night. Thanks a lot. Now I'll never look at Green Tea the same, ever again. Hmm. But I guess now our actual persons did get more Green Tea than our thumbs did...? :D

(And I want my red Converse jacket back! D:)

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以上、Chii です。

Um. Let's start with my Christmas celebration. Well, actually. My family doesn't really celebrate it so the only celebration that could count as a celebration was with the people from work. More specifically, we had a BBQ and gift exchange at The Boss's place. Before that, as with all corporations, we had to suffer through hearing nothing but Christmas songs all day long at work. Not just any old Christmas songs, strange versions like those sung by Hi5 and—forgive me for saying this, those in my F-list who are religious—lots of prayer/praise-ish (I don't know how those are called) songs that make me cringe because as much as I understand that people believe in different things, I still think of myself as an atheist and I don't appreciate needing to listen to songs about religious entities and not being unable to turn it off or escape somewhere.

That whole playlist was burnt on a CD by The Lady Boss and before we started playing her CD, I wanted to burn my own mix because at least I will find songs that are as religiously-neutral as Christmas songs can get (goodness, TLB got horrified at 'Last Christmas'. 'LAST CHRISTMAS''! It's like, one of the classics! Mind do not compute!) but she wanted to use hers because she found a way to burn a CD that can play non-stop for eight (or was it 18?) hours without us having to restart the CD when it ends.

Seriously, has she taken into consideration that not all our customers are Christians, not to mention the fact that there is no dominant religion in Singapore, much less Christianity being a dominant religion here? How would she feel if she needs to listen to hours of Buddhist chants?

But anyway. Five days before Christmas, I had a shift and I brought my camera to work.

( Naturally, random photo-taking happened. )

( Polliwogs Christmas BBQ )

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以上、Chii です。

Wow. It's been three weeks since I last updated my LJ. Ugh, schoolwork, the things you do to me.

( First, a belated rant )

Next.

That darn Media Interviews assignment. After much procrastination, I've finally joined and edited my soundbites on Saturday midnight (or would that make it technically Sunday midnight?) while my mind was half shut-down and fully annoyed at the assignment because I could only use Audacity to edit it when previously in our first trimester's Media Production module, we used Pro Tools, which was way superior and more precise than Audacity.

Ugh. Audacity sucks to the high heavens.

But the editing was all taken care of within hours (by 3 a.m.), and there was only a 200-word write-up left to do so Jay and I met up in school this morning to complete it.

This was what things should look like (ignoring that Facebook game on the iMac): me on MSWord trying to get things done-

( Reality, as we all know, is a different story )

( WHAT IS ‘BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY’, KILL YOURSELF )

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以上、Chii です。

Well, I just hate this trimester's afternoon classes. Think about it:

Class starts at 3.45p.m. which means that taking into consideration travelling time, I need to leave the house at 2.30p.m. which obviously means that half the day is gone. Then class ends at 5.30-5.45p.m. and travelling home, no thanks to rush hour because my bus passes through the CBD, I reach home just in time for dinner and after dinner and a shower, the whole day is practically gone. And that nonsense about doing work in the morning before class? Rubbish. Who would want to wake up early when it's not a matter of life and death? And you're totally not in the right state of mind to want to do serious stuff.

Also? Afternoon classes are totally not helpful to critical and quick thinking. At least for me it isn't (whoever witnessed my blunder in class today and came across my LJ, laugh at me all you want; I hardly have the energy to care). See, it's in the afternoon, yeah? You've had lunch and it's one hour into digestion and the body diverts energy from the brain towards the digestive system (yes, I'm a nerd, what of it?) so you get all drowsy. Add to that the afternoon sun. And an hour of monotonous travelling time. By the time I reach school my brain's totally in sleep mode. And the lecturer for my Tuesday class (Media Interviews) wants us to think on our feet and wants quick responses and I just. UGH. The best time for these sort of mental maneuvers is in the morning when our brain has just woken up fresh and attentive from proper rest. NOT AT 4 IN THE BLOODY AFTERNOON.

Then there's always that little voice at the back of your head questioning the wisdom of attending classes. By the time you're getting ready for class, your mind's awake enough to start arguing about not going for class at all and you're going to feel even suckier when your mind's all protesting and you're dragging your feet out of the house and onto the bus. Compare it to morning classes when you're up at 6.30a.m., groggy as hell and barely awake enough to be coherent. When you finally get the thought to want to skip class, you're already in class and there's nowhere you can go. You're essentially trapped and there's no room for that small nagging voice so you don't get to feel like crap for being in class.

Yes, that sounds pretty crazy but. Yeah. It's tiring. And with the way the lecturer teaches and demands of our attention... I feel physically drained just thinking of attending class.

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以上、Chii です。