ausare | An update of random thoughts

長い週末。
ながいしゅうまつ。
Nagai shuumatsu.
Long weekend.
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For some reason I was feeling extremely tired at work yesterday even though the night before I slept half an hour earlier than usual. It didn't help that the air-con in the office building has been crazy the past few days. First it was freezing, then two days ago it was cold in the morning but warm in the afternoon (because, apparently, someone shut off the vents. The idiot. There was no air circulation and we had to leave our office door open to let the AC from the corridor in!) and it was cold again yesterday morning but slightly less so in the afternoon. Hence my extremely bad headache that set in after lunch. The two Panadol pills I took helped, but only just a bit because my head still hurt (and I kept falling asleep) for the rest of the day.

So I did something I wanted to since starting work but never managed to. I slept at 10p.m. instead of my usual midnight bedtime. Then I woke up at 3a.m. because my body's used to having just 5-6 hours of sleep and because it was starting to rain then and the wind was howling madly. Somehow I managed to fall back asleep. I seriously need to start sleeping earlier every week night because after the long(er) sleep last night, I felt so much better at work this morning.

(Actually, I had the rest of this entry written down in my notebook this afternoon because I have half-day workdays on the eve of public holidays. After some shopping after work for a lunchbox bag and some socks, I had planned to stay in the library to do stuff on Albus because no one at home was able to connect to the Internet since yesterday even though our modem seemed to be working fine. Turned out every electric socket in the library was hogged—some people were just watching videos, what the hell?!—and half of all previously available sockets were either locked down or blocked. Seriously, public library facilities management, DOUBLE-YOU-TEE-EFF?! I didn't have Albus's battery with me because it was getting swollen and I didn't want to risk using it to breaking point and with no available socket, I just sat on a random cushion, endured a creepy guy in a purple tee who kept walking around my area, and wrote. And read a bit of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets until it was time to go home. Congrats to those who read/made it this far. Even I think all that was way too boring to blog about.)

So I've been thinking (well, not consciously thinking, but always kind of known but realised it more clearly now) that we are only as happy as we choose to let ourselves be.

Sometimes I'd remember how bad my temper was when I was younger (hah, as if I'm that old) and I'd wonder about where all that anger and fire went, because no matter how annoyed I feel about things these days, I don't quite have that impulse anymore. You know, the impulse to lash out at people and make them feel as bad as I do even if they were not to blame.

I can't quite remember how this "ignore everything" mellow-ness happened or if (and when) I made the decision to be like this. It doesn't mean that I don't get affected by things, or that I can forget about whatever that had affected me, but at least it makes it easier to ignore so I can get on with my life without feeling like the world and everyone else owes me. It doesn't necessarily make me less angry about things, but at least now it's easier to acknowledge that things are never within my control and there is no point in wasting my energy on things I can't change.

I mean. I'm not a happy person. Maybe I used to be one. But life and its circumstances changed that. People I know changed that. And now it's less of wanting to be happy and more choosing to be happy; less of assigning blame where it's uncalled for and more letting things go. Because, well, if we spend less time and effort on every single thing in our lives that don't go the way we want to, there's less negativity going around and we'd have a greater capacity to be happy. Right?

Moving onto my next (mostly) unrelated thought, isn't technology wonderful, like blogs and stuff, where it's practically a dumpster for all your thoughts and for when your hands (and fingers) move faster than your brain and every impulsive word gets out, permanently hung out in cyberspace without greater consideration/censor/filter? (Deletes don't count because, dammit, you can't delete a person's memory the way you can delete a blog entry/tweet/Facebook update!)

Since it's online, no one would read or look for it unless they want to, or know to look for it. And how would you know they've found/read it? How do you know if they had intended for you to find/read it? How do you let that person know that you've found/read it when you don't know if it was meant for you to find/read?

Ugh. This is so much more confusing in words than when I thought it through in my mind.

So, yes, all that confusion makes the Internet a great place for giving impulsive thoughts a permanent residence in and avoiding possible confrontations because how do you start one when you don't know—argh the cycle of confusion starts again!

Oh wait, I'm blogging about this. Oh, irony. Wait. I was also blogging about not letting things affect/get to me. Double irony! Awesome. [/sarcasm]

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以上、Chii です。