modus operandi

Work has been overwhelming(ly tiring), and it doesn't help that I've started having Japanese classes twice a week after work so I've been getting back at around 11pm almost every other day, especially if I meet up with friends for dinner and such. Not that I'm complaining; I'm of the belief that I should do whatever I can without exhausting myself entirely when I have time. Live life fully, yeah? Although it does mean having less time for myself, like catching up with TV shows, reading, manga, blogging... Although I don't have anything interesting happening in my life all the time so there's no point blogging frequently, anyway.

I'm trying to make time for reading by getting ebooks to read on the way to work and back (which was how I finally finished re-reading Harry Potter! In time for the final movie! OMG it's the last movie already...), and I've just changed my mobile phone to a HTC Desire S so I'll be able to watch .avi format shows and read manga from there.

I guess all these are inevitable, this whole growing up, shifting priorities, limited number of hours a day to work with... Of course I can let all those go so I have time to rest, but I don't want to. It's part of me, how I am, all these interests in shows and manga, even know people would probably think I should be growing out of those. There's no way I'll let go of the things that made me the way I am now, which is why I'm finding ways to hold on to them.

What I miss the most, though, is writing. It's so difficult to find the time to write, and for that spare time to coincide with the muse, although the right way to do it is to force myself to write and sooner or later the "groove" will come back.

I miss creating stories, letting words spill from my mind through my fingers, creating people - characters, creating something meaningful from the arrangement of words.

Of all the things I've had to put aside during weekdays and most of the weekends that are spent either with various groups of friends or Y... I JUST REALLY MISS WRITING, OKAY :'(

Right, enough with the angst. Life update! Life-long dream #2 (well, not life-long, but pretty important, anyway) achieved! Well, not "achieved", but in planning stage.

I'M GOING TO JAPAN TO WATCH w-inds.'s 10TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT!!!

I'll be going with Jane, someone I've met in the fan community on LJ (like what, couple of years ago?), to Osaka and Kyoto HOLY SHIZZLES KYOTO!!! :DDD

Anyway, we're beginning to plan our itinerary, but the plane tickets and accommodation were already booked. OMG THE EXCITEMENT. I swear, it's overflowing to the point where every time we talk/text/meet each other and talk about it we spend 25% of the time squeeing. FOR REAL.

OH DEAR LORDS I think it hasn't really sunk in that I'll be seeing the w-inds. boys IN REAL LIFE. I hope I don't cry or faint at the sight of them when we get there!

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以上、Chii です。

I know part of why I can't is because I'm holding myself back from doing those stuff. And I hold back about how I really feel about him in front of people because even those who approves keep wanting me to not invest too much and "to wait and see how things go" and screw that, it's not a real relationship if there's no real investment and involvement from both parties. Plus, I have affection issues and I don't like to admit how I feel about the people I care about. Even until now I have problems admitting, to myself (damn, how screwed up am I?), how I feel about him because it's scary; it scares me, the way I feel about him, and admitting to anyone at all is like taking away my last defenses and go, "Here, here's all of me. Take my thumpy, bleeding heart and do with it what you will because it doesn't seem to be mine anymore." It's just being every kind of vulnerable and I hate being that way. I dislike not having any barriers to keep even just a sliver of myself safe and unhurt because, damn, I have parental issues and Past Relationship issues and I don't want to be put in that spot again where anyone can go, "Hey, I'll take this absolute power you've given me and turn it against you."

But I digress.

The thing is, as much as it annoys me to see couples being outwardly affectionate and braggy about their relationship and their significant other, I want to be able to have the freedom to do all that. I want to be able to be affectionate with him in front of people without the constant worry that they will, and are going to, judge us. I want to brag about how awesome he is, because disregarding his faults, which everyone is bound to have some of their own, he is awesome and and. I think I'm losing focus here.

I guess I just find it unfair that people can freely show how they feel while there's this unspoken rule, just for me, that I'm not allowed to do the same, and that people have the freedom to fall in and out of love however they like while I'm not even allowed to have the chance to see if this relationship can be serious enough to make it. Yes, that's all it is. The unjust of my world.

Hang ups, I haz dem.

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以上、Chii です。

And right now, there are two (immediate) things and I want a lot a lot a lot. One's a dream/wish that started when I was probably too young to understand the intensity of that desire but it has never changed nor faded all these years, and another is something I will regret forever if I don't make it happen. And I do have regrets that never tempered as time went by, and I know how utterly frustrating and heartbreaking it feels. Suffice to say, I don't want to have to feel that again.

Anyway. I'm in the process of making both things happen. And I'm not superstitious or anything, but I don't want to jinx it by telling the whole world about it (also, there was this video somewhere that talks about having less chance of achieving something the more people you tell it to. Ah, it's this one). Plus it all still feels like a small step, for both things, but anyway, it's a step nonetheless and I'll make sure I get there sooner or later.

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以上、Chii です。

I feel like Merlin now. Having to make do with the things I can't change, while my elder, who, even though knows about my situation and knows that things needed to change, instead of helping or encouraging me to actively challenge things and fight for a change, is telling me to lie low and wait. Wait for, not a chance to start a change, but for the eventual changing of times. To not contest for what is right and to make them see the wrong of their ways, but to wait for when they finally have no say to what I say or do and I can leave while they continue on the way they've always had.

What's the point if they don't get it? How long do I have to wait? A year? Three? Five? Ten? How do I know I won't be driven mad while I wait for my chance to finally leave and cut my ties for good?

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以上、Chii です。

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以上、Chii です。