For 2009 (5/5)

[ausare]

Finally. The last item on my list.

It isn't as serious as it sounded on my list. Really. This is just me making a conscious decision to not rant about any drama my mother or father may will give me in the future on my LJ.

For one, I know how much grief they can cause me, and how frequently too. I don't want to one day go through my old entries to find that I've spent more than half my blogging time venting about how frustrated and annoyed I am rather than blogging about other more valuable memories about school, friends, work and random thoughts and revelations. And I don't want to bore anyone who reads my LJ with my frequent parent-related rants.

As much as I know this is my own space and that what I say goes because I can, I don't want to keep giving the impression that on my own, I'm just one more angsty person who, to others, seem to be making too much over a fuss over my parents making an epic fuss over nothing. And I can't even fit into the stereotype of an emo teenager anymore because I'm already over 20!

Another thing is that no matter how much I try to be objective about deciding whether my mother screeching at me was ultimately my fault or hers, how much I try to explain things on LJ as clear as I could, people who read this aren't me. As much as people go through this parent-child-discord phase before, no one's situations are identical, or so similar that they truly understand the frustration I feel. I appreciate people letting me talk about things to get them off my chest, but at the same time I feel that I'm burdening them with problems that aren't theirs at all and that I'm wasting their time with hate rather than using that time for other things that could be more positive and constructive. Like discovering a new restaurant or—sorry, I get distracted by food.

Anyway. The thing is, the situation between my parents and I is like global warming. Some don't believe it's that bad at all; some don't believe it will last; some understand it but there's a limitation to how much they can (and want to) help me get through every argument with my parents. And after a while it just becomes a chore, and then a problem that wouldn't ever be solved until a huge turning point, like someone putting a ring on it and whisking me away, or me emancipating myself from my family. The latter sounds very tempting, and it has been a goal of mine ever since I could remember. I'm not kidding. It's a thought I've had since I was six or something. And I'm not even dramatising it. This is the truth. Hard to believe, I know. Like I said. Global warming.

Where was I? I digressed.

Ever since this, I've truly, honestly given up. In the past, no matter how many times and how deeply my parents' anger cut into me and my self-confidence, the incidents always pass quickly in a matter of days and everything goes back to normal. Or as normal as things in my life could get. But the whole cycle starts all over again. See, that's the thing: either I try to speak out and try to make them see from my perspective but only getting shouted at or cut down again and lectured at and they would win no matter how flawed their way of thinking is, or I just keep quiet and let them say what they want so I can spend as little time as possible listening to their illogical rants. That's the problem. In no way is the problem solved. There is no resolution and no understand is reached.

Wait, I'm wandering off on a tangent again.

So. There is no point in trying to achieve a mutual understanding. So I've pretty much decided to stop trying. I know, I know, it sounds bad, they're my only parents, yada yada. See. That's the global warming mentality; no one can truly understand what goes on in my family. Anyway. As I was saying. I'm going to stop trying.

What's the point of wanting to show my mother new things I've discovered when she always has an excuse to not see them? 'I'm busy now, can't you tell?', 'I'm sorting out laundry.', 'I'm preparing dinner/lunch.', 'I need to spend time with your father.', blah blah blah. Excuses. Most of those times she could just put down whatever she was doing then to spare me a few seconds, a couple of minutes tops. But she doesn't, ever.

When your child wants your attention, you damn well give it. You're the parent. That's your duty.

Don't complain that I always keep to myself when you've never given me the outlet to share things with you. And then when I do, you use the information you learn from and-or about me to use it against me in the future. Like you said, trust can only be earned but can be easily broken. I've tried to trust you all these years but you gave me no indication that you deserve it.

And I'm tired of being compared to everyone else. The situation and environment people live in made them different from me; made the way they live their lives and how they handle things differently. They are not me, just as I am not them. You can't change the way you do things just because you're asked to. This is me, and I have my way of thinking and dealing with things. If you have so many good things to say about other people and wish so much for me to be more like them, why don't you adopt them instead?

Also, why is my sister getting more chances than you give me? You say she isn't getting more than me, and that if she does it's because she's more responsible, she lies less than I do, and she's proven herself. Have you ever thought that if you've given me the chance to be independent maybe I can show that I can be responsible for myself? That if you've given me the benefit of the doubt I won't find a need to lie to do what I want to? That I'll talk to you more? That we'll have a better, healthier relationship than this?

You know what, forget it. I'll do things for me, not you nor your approval, as it should have been since the beginning. There was a point in time where I stupidly wanted to prove myself to be a better daughter than my sister in the future and they'll finally see it and they'll regret everything, but now? Forget it. What's the point? The most they'll say is, "For once you're doing something remotely right." Why put myself through all that grief for a less than rewarding reward? And I'd rather be on good terms with my sister than be all competitive and antagonising, thank you very much.

So. So this is it. This is me giving up. If me keeping more to myself means less conflict and less chances of me getting disappointed by you, this is what I'll do. If this means I'll spend less time making the futile effort to make you see, even for a second, through my eyes, and spending more time on myself and things that deserve more of my effort, then all the better. Goodness knows how many things have been put in the backseat no thanks to your interferences.

Maybe this means I'll think of less hate and indignity, and more about things that will bring me more experiences and positivity and help me be more of an adult. Maybe this will mean less pettiness on my mind and give me more patience and leave more space in my heart for things and people who truly deserve it.

Then again, who knows. This is 21 years of upbringing, preconceptions and conditioned psychological thinking that I'm leaving behind. Who knows what this decision will really bring.

But hey, if this means less hate in my heart, all the better. It can't get any worse than this.

So. This is me. Giving up, putting down this last boulder that I've been taught to never let go. Because the road ahead is still clear and waiting, and there is no space there for negativity.

(Of course, I may still tweet about it. Hey, I do need to vent it somewhere lest I self-combust on indignation.)
 

And that's done. The list is completed. In the nick of time! Phew! Me and my skill at getting things done at the last minute (which is one more thing I need to get rid off in the new year).

Anyway. The year ahead is another 365 blank days, waiting to be filled in with new experiences, new opportunities waiting to be discovered and seized, and a new chance to live it better than the last. And considering how much better my 2009 was better than my 2008, I'm getting a good vibe for 2010.

This is it. Now's the time for a final wave goodbye and the first smile to welcome in the new year.

Hello~ 2010.

—
以上、Chii です。

Comments

[lausi-gm.livejournal.com]

I was wondering how to reply IF at all to this "rant", but there's one thing I really want to say to you:

There's nothing wrong with giving up on a "lost cause". So don't feel guilty or a failure for not trying anymore. Sometimes giving up IS the only option we have! I'm aware of course that I don't have a real insight into your situation but I KNOW that we all reach points in our life when we have to realize it's fruitless to keep trying. And personally, I think it's great that you have come to this decision because I have the feeling if you kept trying you'd only try to be someone you're not. And being yourself is the best thing that can happen to you IMHO.

It reveals a very mature outlook on life you have here. I also find it remarkable that you refuse to continue to be competitive with your sister just to gain your parents' approval. Like you said, it's more important to not damage the relationship between you and your sister.

I just can't help thinking that if your parents haven't shown you any approval/love/support in over 20 years, than it's not very likely they will in the future unless you "function" as they want you to - which brings us back to the part of you not being yourself.

So, KUDOS to you for reaching that decision!

I wish you all the happiness in the world for 2010, hun!

You deserve it!

Hugs,
C.

[ausare.livejournal.com]

It's ok to comment on any entry I write/type. I love reading comments XD

That's the thing. I'm trying to find myself and be who I think I should be, and want to be. But then my parents happen and the discovery process gets slowed down or forced down another path (good thing I stopped that before it happened. TWICE). So. Yeah. I'll try to be more myself, just with more maturity (and an appropriate amount of childishness XD).

My relationship with my sister hasn't always been close because we're so many years apart and she's so much younger and spent much more of her childhood under my parents' influences than I did (I was mostly brought up by my grandparents). But I try to make the effort and I think it's getting better, even if I do say so myself :P

I don't know if they ever will show approval or whatnots in the future. My mother always say they will always support us, but every time we argue she threatens to cut me off from it and it just gets more and more tiresome. If being distant will decrease all that drama, all the better. I'm not exactly at a loss anyway, considering my situation thus far.

Oh well. *shrugs*

Anyway, I know it isn't 2010 where you are yet, but here's an advance HAPPY NEW YEAR! :) All the best for your new year, and may you have fewer colds (or none at all) so you can enjoy it! *HUGS!*

[evanwee.livejournal.com]

It's sad to see your relationship with your parents going downhill.

Though I'm just a random fan(haha XD)of your blog.But as a innocent party,I still wanna say that they're still your mom and dad.

I guess you're 'old' enough to figure out what is best between you and your parents.
Every decision you make will have a consequences.

Anyways,Happy New Year!
=)

[ausare.livejournal.com]

Happy 2010!! :D