Rollercoaster day
Feb. 19th, 2010 11:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ausareなぜこんなにわずらわしい？
Naze konnani wazurawashii?
Why (are you) so annoying?
—
Just ranted to K.Ying about the angst of my day, and although I've already felt better (or I've just tried to ignore the feelings of negativity) before telling her, it released all the annoyance I've kept bottled up today.
My day didn't start out the usual angsty way, as my life is wont to do, because Y's letter that got delayed at the post office made it to me this morning and my day was made. MADE. So simply made it was pretty epic.
Then I got to school and met up with my lecturer for an interview I was recording for my Broadcast Journalism module. I've been very nervous about this for days because she's sort of the unofficial (or is the official?) head of my degree course here and OMG I don't want her judging me because I was recording things wrong, or phrasing things wrong, or a thousand other things my overly self-conscious mind worries about. Thankfully the interview went fine despite the little hiccup that was me saying she's from PSB Academy instead of "The University of Newcastle, Australia" (forgive me! You are based here, anyway) and mistook that she had three kids instead of four. And she said I had "a lovely voice". Can I squeal? OMG. My day was a little more made, even though I thought it was impossible.
I was in a pretty mellow mood by the time I got home (before lunch, too!) and after my parents got back from their errand run at our neighbourhood mall, crap happened.
Turns out my mother finally told my father that there's someone I'm dating and my father said something along the line of:
"As long as I haven't approve of it, it doesn't count. They're still just friends."
WHAT? WHAT WHAT WHAT? I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused here. Who is dating whom? Last I recall it was him and me; if we decide to be together, we are together.
Then my mother started talking about financial security, is he saving enough, why does he travel so much, blahblahblah and SHEESH. They told me not to take things too seriously and think too far ahead, and yet they are the ones thinking about whether he can provide me with financial security in the future? And talking about this concerning my "lifetime happiness"? WHAT WHAT WHAT? DOUBLE STANDARDS YO.
Then she goes on about, oh now you two are just friends, okay? Just friends, yeah? So just see what's he like, observe him, while you two are just friends, before making any decisions, and don't go investing your feelings into this, yada yada.
I am at a lost for words. Oh, like you couldn't say anything or give a lecture about relationships before this? Oh, wait, you have. Like, every few friggin month. But you sounded so medieval that my 21st century mind rejected your reality.
What, did you expect me to just tell him, "My mother's being an illogical arse, so we're breaking up for the time being." Are you serious(ly this brainless)?
And what's this thing about "not investing feelings into it"? What's the point of having a relationship if you don't invest yourself in it? Okay, fine. I did think to myself to take it slow, only because I'm afraid of falling too hard and fast for someone and that I may turn into someone I can't recognise, but how can one not invest something? It'll be pointless for yourself, and it'll be unfair to the other person in said relationship. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Another thing I can't understand is that why all it takes is for my father to say something, anything, and my mother's opinion of Y (or of anything at all, actually) can make such a quick about-turn. You approved of him, remember? Like, YEARS AGO.
WOMAN, YOU CAN FUNCTION ON YOUR OWN AS AN INDIVIDUAL. NOT AS AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HUSBAND. DAMMIT.
Why does no one seem to get that the whole 'being friends' phase was the past 4 years? 'Now' is us trying to fit around each other as something more. Because we're done with that phase. Why are you judging us when you don't even know what happened the past few years? You don't even come and ask me about things like, how did you two meet, how did you two become friends, how did all this happen... You have no prior knowledge about 'us', so what are you basing your judgement on? You don't even really know him, and you're already judging him on so many things you might as well hire a PI to investigate him and his family 5 generations back.
When will you learn that the more you push, the more obsessively protective I get about things that are mine?
When will you realise that you're living in the bloody 21st century and not the middle ages?
Sheesh. Just thinking about all this crap you two heap upon me (in a single afternoon!) is enough to give me an angst-anxiety attack.
I just. Sometimes I wonder how I've survived all these years and how I've put up with all this crap.
And to think my day had started out so awesomely.
—
以上、Chii です。
no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 05:05 pm (UTC)You're already doing the right thing: IGNORE them!
I've rarely read a more ridiculous outlook on relationships than your parents demand. As if saying "don't invest any feelings" or "You're just friends" would actually change one iota. I'm really a bit sorry that you cannot see the insane HUMOR in this, for there IS great humor if they pretend they can change what's going on between you and your bf.
Again, INGORE this. It's madness.
From what I "know" about you, you're a very intelligent woman who can manage her own life. I think it's fab that you and Y are going somewhere which you haven't figured out yourself yet what exactly it is. But whereever you and your bf will go, it's YOUR journey (oops.... me sounding deep again, sorry. LOL).
You know what I mean, right? Just hang on to yourself, your sweet and inspirational outlook on life and don't ever dive into this "supposed and weird reality" your parents seem to live in!
*hugs*
C.
PS: BTW... double standards... nothing infuriates me more and faster!
no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 05:30 pm (UTC)The thing is, if they haven't said all these I probably would have been more objective about this relationship. But now that they did, it just made me want to rebel against everything they said and deliberately hang on to this no matter what. Ugh.
I just thought that I could finally get to experience something good and then they come up with this after we've been together for more than a month, I just. Ugh. All the frustration took away what little humour I could get from this. And also, maybe because it's 1.30am here and I'm falling asleep so my brain's already incapable of processing humour. Heh.
Thing is, I think I can manage my own life, but in practice, in the real world, on my own, I don't think I can. But that's another psychoanalysis for another day. Still, thanks for your compliments and your "deep" comment, you don't have to be sorry about it :)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 05:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-20 03:05 pm (UTC)DOUBLE STANDARDS? RAWR!!!
You're totally right, this is the 21st century and this relationship is between the two of you, not your parents or anyonelse. It's not their business, it's your business. It's difficult to start up a relationship and figuring out how you're going to make it work and what kind of dynamic you're going with, without people butting in and telling you that you should be friends... And yes, your father telling you: Now you are just friends because I do not approve, is highly ridiculous. He's not the one dating your guy, you are. And that's final.
This is your life, you're the one who's met him, talked to him, known him for the last 4 yours and so you should know best whether it's time to move on from the friendship phase and invest in something new. Something that can be really awesome and wonderful!
Just go on with life! Keep living it your way because it's your life. If your parents want to remain narrow-minded and old-fashioned to a ridiculous degree, you should try not to let that get to you. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-02-20 03:48 pm (UTC)I guess I can't help letting them annoy me, because so much of my life until now has been, to varying degrees, controlled by them. I guess my psyche is already ruined by them.
Shall try harder to ignore their EPIC FAIL.
*HUGS!*
no subject
Date: 2010-02-21 10:52 am (UTC)From what I understand, as long as you're capable of understanding and recognizing the injustice and epic fail, your psyche is working just fine :D
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2010-02-21 04:11 pm (UTC)You (guys) say the best things :)