Rollercoaster day

[ausare]

なぜこん何煩わしい？
なぜこんなにわずらわしい？
Naze konnani wazurawashii?
Why (are you) so annoying?
—

Just ranted to K.Ying about the angst of my day, and although I've already felt better (or I've just tried to ignore the feelings of negativity) before telling her, it released all the annoyance I've kept bottled up today.

My day didn't start out the usual angsty way, as my life is wont to do, because Y's letter that got delayed at the post office made it to me this morning and my day was made. MADE. So simply made it was pretty epic.

Then I got to school and met up with my lecturer for an interview I was recording for my Broadcast Journalism module. I've been very nervous about this for days because she's sort of the unofficial (or is the official?) head of my degree course here and OMG I don't want her judging me because I was recording things wrong, or phrasing things wrong, or a thousand other things my overly self-conscious mind worries about. Thankfully the interview went fine despite the little hiccup that was me saying she's from PSB Academy instead of "The University of Newcastle, Australia" (forgive me! You are based here, anyway) and mistook that she had three kids instead of four. And she said I had "a lovely voice". Can I squeal? OMG. My day was a little more made, even though I thought it was impossible.

I was in a pretty mellow mood by the time I got home (before lunch, too!) and after my parents got back from their errand run at our neighbourhood mall, crap happened.

Turns out my mother finally told my father that there's someone I'm dating and my father said something along the line of:

"As long as I haven't approve of it, it doesn't count. They're still just friends."

WHAT? WHAT WHAT WHAT? I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused here. Who is dating whom? Last I recall it was him and me; if we decide to be together, we are together.

Then my mother started talking about financial security, is he saving enough, why does he travel so much, blahblahblah and SHEESH. They told me not to take things too seriously and think too far ahead, and yet they are the ones thinking about whether he can provide me with financial security in the future? And talking about this concerning my "lifetime happiness"? WHAT WHAT WHAT? DOUBLE STANDARDS YO.

Then she goes on about, oh now you two are just friends, okay? Just friends, yeah? So just see what's he like, observe him, while you two are just friends, before making any decisions, and don't go investing your feelings into this, yada yada.

I am at a lost for words. Oh, like you couldn't say anything or give a lecture about relationships before this? Oh, wait, you have. Like, every few friggin month. But you sounded so medieval that my 21^st century mind rejected your reality.

What, did you expect me to just tell him, "My mother's being an illogical arse, so we're breaking up for the time being." Are you serious(ly this brainless)?

And what's this thing about "not investing feelings into it"? What's the point of having a relationship if you don't invest yourself in it? Okay, fine. I did think to myself to take it slow, only because I'm afraid of falling too hard and fast for someone and that I may turn into someone I can't recognise, but how can one not invest something? It'll be pointless for yourself, and it'll be unfair to the other person in said relationship. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Another thing I can't understand is that why all it takes is for my father to say something, anything, and my mother's opinion of Y (or of anything at all, actually) can make such a quick about-turn. You approved of him, remember? Like, YEARS AGO.

WOMAN, YOU CAN FUNCTION ON YOUR OWN AS AN INDIVIDUAL. NOT AS AN EXTENSION OF YOUR HUSBAND. DAMMIT.

Why does no one seem to get that the whole 'being friends' phase was the past 4 years? 'Now' is us trying to fit around each other as something more. Because we're done with that phase. Why are you judging us when you don't even know what happened the past few years? You don't even come and ask me about things like, how did you two meet, how did you two become friends, how did all this happen... You have no prior knowledge about 'us', so what are you basing your judgement on? You don't even really know him, and you're already judging him on so many things you might as well hire a PI to investigate him and his family 5 generations back.

When will you learn that the more you push, the more obsessively protective I get about things that are mine?

When will you realise that you're living in the bloody 21^st century and not the middle ages?

Sheesh. Just thinking about all this crap you two heap upon me (in a single afternoon!) is enough to give me an angst-anxiety attack.

I just. Sometimes I wonder how I've survived all these years and how I've put up with all this crap.
 

And to think my day had started out so awesomely.

—
以上、Chii です。