Can't breathe / Video Monday 22

[ausare]

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me, who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?
- King of Anything, Sara Bareilles

Dear parents,

Go ahead and be crazy, illogical, tactless and immature. I have lost all respect I can possibly have for the two people I was supposed to (as social upbringing compels me) respect; the two people in my life who refused to see reason even if it's right in front of them whacking them on their heads; the two people in my life who don't know there are things you don't think about, and even if you do you should possess enough tact to not speak of it because it embarrasses only you and shows very clearly who is the one with less-than-perfect upbringing; the two people who will, without fail, find something out of nothing to nitpick about, because they are so great that nothing is ever good enough and the sun is always rising from the wrong direction; and the two people who will always think that they are right, that them being wrong is an impossibility, and even in the rare chance that they do admit that they "might be" wrong, they'll make it seems like it's your fault, anyway.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm frustrated, annoyed, angry, indignant, and beyond pissed. I'm exhausted—mentally exhausted, so tired inside-out from all your rubbish that it's become a physical exhaustion. I'm so sick and tired from all your nonsensical confrontations and angry at myself for hating confrontations so much that I never dared to really stand up for myself (because what's the point? You'll still think that you're right and I'll still get shot down and nothing ever changes). I don't think there's even an adjective for the level of frustration-exhaustion I'm feeling. I'm so close to breaking down explosively that I'm unable to even cry, am beyond crying and that no amount of crying can release this oppressing cloud of darkness pressing on my chest, eating up my mind. I need to scream so bad but am physically unable to. I need to trash something, anything, to at least relieve myself of this weight but I can't because it'll just make you even more crazed and you two being crazed will mean being abusive, both physically and psychologically. I'd just rather avoid all that madness and that means I have no way to release all this pent up feeling and I can still feel it bubbling underneath all the thin layers of each and every moment of me telling myself to breathe, to calm down. It's getting harder to control the monster it's become—the monster that feeds on every second of repressed anger. Today, when I was ranting to a friend, I can't even tell if I'm shaking because of the chill of the air-conditioned room or the beast rattling its cage.

I fear myself, I fear all the anger and tiredness that I keep locked in the closet that's threatening to burst, I fear of the day when I become one of the statistics—someone who becomes so emotionally and psychologically damaged that she just explodes and kills herself or goes on a murderous rampage and isn't even aware of her actions because her mind's so far gone she's not herself anymore. I suppose that's what I fear most of all—losing myself, who I am, who I know I am, who I know I should and want to be. As much as I believe in myself and my strength, I don't know if I can hold on to myself long enough.

So, please, for goodness' sake, I don't have the time nor energy to indulge your immaturity and the many childish tantrums. Act your age, please. And neither do I have the desire to want to make sense of all the nonsense that you see as logic. Honestly, you two are unsafe for humanity. An insult to social evolution. Aren't you two just perfect for each other in your crazy, belittling, holier-than-thou ways?

I wish you two would just shrivel up and die. Or just disappear. But what's the point? All the death curses I've repeated in my mind for as long as I had a memory never seemed to work and when I turn to look again you're still there, still finding ways to make me feel miserable for things I wasn't even wrong for doing.

I'm so sick of everything. Of you, of my life, of every bit of control you want over it, and quite frankly, I'm very tired of living. Years ago I've wondered how you would react if you found out that you were the reason that I took my life. I suppose you would have carried on with an air of good-riddance. It's why I didn't. Didn't open my window to the gravel 24 storeys down, didn't slit my wrist, didn't buy pills to overdose on. I wouldn't die happy knowing that you would never feel a sliver of guilt. Irony, that. How I wanted to die because of you and I chose not to because of you.

This whole thing is so tiring. Even typing all this out is more choking than therapeutic. I think I'll just forgo having a break after graduation in August and go find a job so I can truly start counting down to the day when I no longer have to be in close proximity to the two of you and your negativity every day.

No love, me.
 

VIDEO MONDAY 22

[Direct link to the video]

I've been watching this teaser clip from Easy A since last week and I can't stop watching it and it's the one small thing that cheers me up each day and I think I'll be watching this at least 10 times tonight to feel remotely cheered up. I'm also kinda wanting to watch this movie although I stopped watching chick flicks in cinemas. Hmm. We shall see.

—
以上、Chii です。

Comments

[lausi-gm.livejournal.com]

Jeeez... hun, you NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE!

Seriously, I can't bear the thought even from afar what your stupid parents are doing to you.

GET OUT OF THERE NOW!

Can't you just move in with a friend for a while... or ... I don't know!

This post scares the hell out of me, Chii.

Don't EVER think down that line! It's such a waste of energy. Instead, try to chanel all that anger and frustration and for heaven's sake LET IT OUT!
Stand up to them and let them know once and for all that they don't DEFINE your value as a person.

Gosh... I wish I could come to Singapore and kick their sorry asses and just take you away from it all!!!

Hugs,
C.

[ausare.livejournal.com]

Aah... it'll be too much of a problem for whoever I move out to stay with, and it's just another 2 months to graduation. I've lasted this long, another 8 weeks is nothing. By then I'll have found a job (hopefully) and that much closer to being further away from them. And even though I want to, I know I'm not mature enough just yet to be on my own, to be truly independent, so I won't try moving out yet.

I'm not going to do anything stupid! Really, I won't! Sorry for freaking you out. It's what it is, 'stupid', and I won't do it. And well, it's pointless standing up for myself so it's better if I use that energy elsewhere more worth my time.

I wish I could go away somewhere far away too =\ but in the mean time I'll just have to see this through.

[swift-tales.livejournal.com]

*wibbles* BABY NO!

Darling! You soooo need to get out of there! Because you're brilliant and clever and sweet and funny and I don't know why your parents don't see it, but they SOOOO don't deserve you!

I know what the feeling is like, but hold on! Because the minute you get out of there, the world is going to be SOOO beautiful and it'll have been worth it! I just know it!

And maybe you and a friend can rent a flat together or something? Could that work?

[ausare.livejournal.com]

I know I know, I'm not letting go, it's just old thoughts I used to have too long ago.

Renting a place might be possible but considering I'm still studying and that it takes time when I finally have a job to save up enough money to do stuff and at least be financially independent... It's not really at the top of my list of reeaally urgent priorities.

[swift-tales.livejournal.com]

Alright then *hugs*

If you ever need to talk, You know I'm here bb! *hugs*

[ausare.livejournal.com]

Of course! And just so you know, I appreciate your (virtual space) presence muchly :)
*hugs back*