Angsty entry is angsty

Couples flaunting their photos and lovey messages on Facebook annoy me. I can't seem to explain in actual words why but it's like, "HA HA WE GET TO BE ALL COUPLEY AND YOU CAN'T. NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE YOU KNOW BECAUSE ONLY 10% OF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW APPROVES."

I know part of why I can't is because I'm holding myself back from doing those stuff. And I hold back about how I really feel about him in front of people because even those who approves keep wanting me to not invest too much and "to wait and see how things go" and screw that, it's not a real relationship if there's no real investment and involvement from both parties. Plus, I have affection issues and I don't like to admit how I feel about the people I care about. Even until now I have problems admitting, to myself (damn, how screwed up am I?), how I feel about him because it's scary; it scares me, the way I feel about him, and admitting to anyone at all is like taking away my last defenses and go, "Here, here's all of me. Take my thumpy, bleeding heart and do with it what you will because it doesn't seem to be mine anymore." It's just being every kind of vulnerable and I hate being that way. I dislike not having any barriers to keep even just a sliver of myself safe and unhurt because, damn, I have parental issues and Past Relationship issues and I don't want to be put in that spot again where anyone can go, "Hey, I'll take this absolute power you've given me and turn it against you."

But I digress.

The thing is, as much as it annoys me to see couples being outwardly affectionate and braggy about their relationship and their significant other, I want to be able to have the freedom to do all that. I want to be able to be affectionate with him in front of people without the constant worry that they will, and are going to, judge us. I want to brag about how awesome he is, because disregarding his faults, which everyone is bound to have some of their own, he is awesome and and. I think I'm losing focus here.

I guess I just find it unfair that people can freely show how they feel while there's this unspoken rule, just for me, that I'm not allowed to do the same, and that people have the freedom to fall in and out of love however they like while I'm not even allowed to have the chance to see if this relationship can be serious enough to make it. Yes, that's all it is. The unjust of my world.

Hang ups, I haz dem.

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以上、Chii です。