So. Even though I promised myself no more crying after yesterday...

Ever friggin song just sets me off. I don't effing know why. Maybe I'm just feeling off. And I still feel like a mess inside. And no one sees. Half of me thinks that it's a good thing because I don't want to be one of those people who's begging for attention and pity. Half of me hates it because, damn it, I'm hurting and I wished that people are better at reading others to see that I need... something. A hug. Someone to hold my hand. Someone to sit with me until I stop crying. Someone to show that he/she knows without me asking for or seeking acknowledgement. I don't need someone to tell me that it'll be fine, that things will work out, because right now I can't see any way out of it, it's just a tunnel with a dead end and there's no metaphorical light coming in. Not that I don't appreciate Jay for listening to me vent my frustrations, but I thought that I'd feel better after. I thought I was strong enough like I always was to put it behind me, to see it as a battle I can win in the future. I thought after crying in the shower yesterday evening like a pathetic thing I'll be done with feeling like this and I'll be able to talk about this and get it over with like the calm person I've grown to be. But still, after I sternly talked myself into having no more angst-fests after last night, practically everything sets me off this morning and I just don't know. I don't know what in the world I'm going to do with myself. I hate feeling like this. I hate being this "Woe is me" person. I hate feeling like I'm the only person in the whole world who's feeling so unhappy because I know there are people with worse troubles than I do. Where did I get the idea that I finally have the right to be selfish to able to want something for myself? Because, obviously, I'll never have that right. No one wants me to be happy. The people who should be the happiest for me don't want me to be. What's the point of choosing what I want when no one wants me to keep it? Maybe I'll have to let it go, after all. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I've always been resigned to the truth that I'll be forever alone, anyway. I'm tired of fighting against it. I know I should fight harder. I thought I could do this, that I'm strong enough, that it'll be enough, that I alone am enough to fight against all this. But maybe I'm not, after all. Maybe I'm a coward, after all. I just want to run away from all this so I can feeling like I'm able to be myself again. Maybe I'll be fine soon, but I know it's only on the surface, it's just me trying to ignore and forget. Maybe I'll be driven mad one day. I don't know. I want to be happy again but I think I've forgotten how.

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以上、Chii です。